Nowadays the term “femme” is mainly associated with queer women, and in particular quite a number of people consider it to be a lesbian exclusive word that should not be used by queer people who are not lesbians. Whichever side you tend to fall on, there seems to be a common consensus that “femme” is exclusively used by women. Has it always been this way? This is what we will be delving into today.
Interestingly, some in the lesbian community agree that nonbinary folk should be an exception to this rule and should be allowed to use it (sexual orientation is hardly ever touched upon in this case), whereas bi women are out of the question. Others argue that bi women should only be allowed to use it when they are actively dating another woman. In recent years, the term “doe“ has emerged as a bi alternative for “femme”. So what’s the big deal? Aren’t these just words? And is femme culture really that important? Well, the historical context is actually quite complex and is very important for many lesbian and bi women alike.
The terms “femme” and “butch” do not merely refer to one’s gender presentation (i.e. masculinity vs femininity), but also have specific implications in lesbian culture pertaining to WLW (Women Loving Women) relationships and the individual’s complex self-identity. For a time, these terms were rejected because they were considered to be upholding traditional gender norms. Queer relationships, it was argued, should not be mirroring heterosexual hierarchical structures and should break free of these norms rather than centering them anew. In recent decades however, with the rise of third wave feminism, these identities were picked up again. Many femmes consider their identity to be an intentional expression of their femininity rather than as an adherence to the constraints of feminine performance. Instead, femmes endeavour to celebrate the parts of themselves that would be suppressed or defined for them in a patriarchal world which views femininity as inferior.
Naturally, “femme” emerged from the French word for “woman” and was adopted into the English language, after which it evolved independently from its French origins, particularly within the queer community. Fun fact, one of the earliest uses of the term “femme” in the English language (although removed from today’s exact meaning) was by a bisexual writer - Lord Byron - in 1814. Granted, his use of the word was rather misogynistic in that he asserted that femmes were ruined by divorce!
Bisexual people were not always considered a separate group from gays and lesbians. Remember, the word bisexual used to refer to hermaphroditism in botany, intersex people, unisex objects, co-ed activities and events, and to the period of time before a foetus’ biological sex can be determined. Later on it was related to “psychological hermaphroditism” through inversion theory which tried to explain people with attraction to more than one gender as mentally intersex. The word intersex did not exist, and bisexual did not mean what it means today.
Bisexual women were absorbed into the lesbian community and considered lesbians despite their attraction to men, and bisexual men were absorbed into the gay community and considered gay men despite their attraction to women. Bi people have always been here, and we have always been a part of queer history and activism. A lack of knowledge on this is due to bi erasure and the fact that no term existed for bi women, who were simply called lesbians.
Later on, with the emergence of a branch of feminism called political lesbianism, being a lesbian did not even require attraction to women. One could be straight but practice celibacy or refuse to have relationships with men. The modern sense of the term lesbian where one must be exclusively attracted to women (and now also woman-aligned/feminine nonbinary people) is actually relatively recent, as words and their meanings change and evolve over time.
Another exclusionary feminist position even posited that bisexual women are the only true heterosexual women. Straight women, it was thought, did not have a choice in the matter. However bisexuals, perceived as having a choice between men and women (or men and non-men), still at times “chose” to fall in love with men. It is interesting how the idea of choice falls in here, where in other circumstances the “born this way” argument was used as a (problematic) defense for the right for homosexuality to exist. Bisexuality was perceived as a threat to this argument, and bisexual women as willing traitors to the feminist cause.
The term lesbian originated from the Greek island of Lesbos, home of the poet Sappho, who contrary to popular belief was not strictly lesbian in today’s sense of the word, but was actually what we now commonly call bisexual.
The term femme has not only historically been used by the lesbian community, but also by gay men who were called this in a derogatory way, as well as by trans women in ballroom culture and by nonbinary people. What’s more, before the emergence of the specific term bisexual, bi women formed part of that lesbian community. Nowadays, we do not realise how closely intertwined the histories and communities of lesbian and bi women are. As recently as the 90s, bi people in San Francisco were still fighting to have “Bisexual” added to what we now know as the LGBT+ community, which in those days were merely referred to as the Gay and Lesbian community. Bisexual women were now considered sexual “tourists” who were invading lesbian spaces, previously considered as their own. This of course excluded not only bi people but also trans folk.
In the past few years an online controversy has emerged regarding whether bi women who identify with the femme identity can use it. Bi women have always been a part of lesbian culture prior to the emergence of the concept of bisexuality, which is relatively speaking quite recent, and by extension femme bi women have always been a part of femme culture. This is precisely because bi women have historically been known as lesbians and their access to the term femme cannot be restricted merely because there is now a linguistic distinction. These terms are a part of bi history too (and trans history for that matter) and cannot be gatekept simply because modern understandings have changed.
New terms have been suggested with the intention of being used specifically for bi people, such as “doe” for feminine bi women. The problem is that these have not caught on as much for several reasons. Due to bi erasure, bi terminology is not very well known both inside and outside the community. Many people do like and use the bi terms, albeit mostly restricted to the online world as most bi culture is. Others, however, complain that the animal-based terms are dehumanising and especially inaccessible to people of colour (POC) whose humanity has so often been disregarded, degraded and devalued. Not only this, but some in the online lesbian community have also taken issue with these terms for simply being “a copy of lesbian terms but for bi people”.
Whether (depending on which “school of thought” you ask) trans, nonbinary and bi people are all being excluded altogether, or only bi people are being forbidden from using a term once thought to justly belong to them, it is evident that lesbian separatism has become more clear-cut than before. In more lenient cases where nonbinary folk are allowed to use “femme” (while this is amazing), the very idea that a non-woman who may or may not be attracted to women is deemed to have more of a claim to “femme” than bisexual women (as opposed to say, an equal claim) is a problem. Bi people in general suffer serious social, mental and physical health issues due to exclusion and the inability to find a family that will accept them. This is merely one other form of rejection piled on top of the others, telling us that we are not queer enough, that we do not belong in the queer community which we have been associated with for centuries, or that we are only queer in certain conditions.
It seems that bi people can never catch a break, and it is becoming increasingly obvious that the intent is to exclude by any means necessary. The queer community still has a long way to go in accepting bi folk, and in particular the bond between lesbian and bi women desperately needs to be nurtured once again.